proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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