there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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