The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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