i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
