it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
