You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
