just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
