And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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