I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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