they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
