Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
