hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
