Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
