I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i've created a new STD.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
