i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
