If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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