I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I love having hate sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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