I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
