i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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