i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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