mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize