i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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