I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
