god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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