lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
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So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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