I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Quick, to the slutcave!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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