i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
