Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
