mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
