it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
