I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
