I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
