Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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