By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
