You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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