I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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