he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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