matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
