So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
