i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
