Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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