Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
