if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
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She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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