so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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