All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Where is the hickey?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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