i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
