his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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