That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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