Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
