we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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