You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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