Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i now understand why vodka
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
