I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
