I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
