Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
