Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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