Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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