i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
