I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
